While this was not the best picture, it’s a picture of the necklace a wear every day. It’s Vivienne Westwood’s Orb Locket. It contains a lock of my father’s hair.
The inside has the phrase; “+ qu’hier - que demain”. It’s on quite a few different French pendants and it translates to “(I love) you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.” It’s from a French poem by Rosemonde Gérard, and has the same basic meaning as “I love you more and more each day.”
I don’t speak French, so I don’t understand the subtitles of the poem, but the dual nature of the phrase reminded me of my relationship with my Father.
We always fought, and there was always screaming in our house. It might have even been considered abusive by some, and I started to resent my father, even hate him. At the same time, much of it was because we did not know how to communicate. Dad, thanks to his diabetes and many complications, was almost always in pain and he would lash out at me and my mother sometimes. Most of the time he was very good though. It took me some time, but I realized that I love him even with the ways he acted after talking with some friends.
Every time I tried to bring things out to create understanding, we fought worse than before. It was so bad that I decided to stop, so that I could keep loving him and that our fights wouldn’t burn away what love I had left. I was always trying to love him today, worried I would love him less tomorrow while trying to love him more than yesterday.
The quote rang so true to me that I decided that I had to get this necklace. I had been searching for a locket to keep a bit of his woven hair in. This way, he can always be close to my heart, and be with me for these years he should have had with me.